Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

By Ronald Mello

Car insurance? Check. Flood insurance? Check. Life insurance? Check. Meteor insurance? Sure, why not, Check. Though these insurances are put into place for all the “What if” situations there is not enough money in the world to prepare for the most terrifying of all possible occurrences... the Zombie Apocalypse. These simple, yet effective, instructions will, if followed exactly and correctly, help insure your safety...and keep your flesh, and brains, intact.

Depending on what kind of zombies you're dealing with, you will either be immune to getting turned into the undead or zombified by smallest scratch or weak bite.

One such zombie is brought back to life by the effects of voodoo. These types of zombies are known as natural zombies. Anthropologist Wade Davis, who holds degrees in anthropology, biology and has a Ph.D. in ethnobotany, went on to conclude that these are created by poisoning the victim with ‘zombie powder’ which includes puffer fish venom (tetrodotoxin). This causes a death-like coma and brain damage which turns the victim into a slave. These zombies are the most harmless because they can not turn another person into a zombie.

“They can still kill you though. It is entirely up to the person who controls them using voodoo,” said Davis.

Wade Davis has also written multiple books though is best known for “ The serpent and the rainbow” and “Passage of darkness” which each sent him to the country of Haiti in order to investigate folk preparation implicated in the creation of zombies.

Another type of zombie is the slow-moving zombie which is most easily recognized in George A. Romero’s early zombie movies. These are more dangerous than voodoo zombies because a single bite on another a person has a 100 percent mortality rate of turning that person into the living undead. Their strength comes in the form of endless mobs that seem to overwhelm people. Their weakness would undoubtedly be their slow movements. The zombie to which is exact opposite the slow-moving zombie and considered to be the most dangerous would be called fast-moving zombies according to Davis. These can run relatively quickly to chase down unsuspecting living people. Like slow-moving zombies a single bite has a 100 percent mortality rate of turning the bitten victim into one of the undead.

Since the first type of zombie can’t actually expand the ranks of the undead, this article will deal with slow and fast moving zombies exclusively. According to a report published by Nova science publishers in 2009 entitled: “When Zombies Attack! Mathematical modeling of an outbreak of Zombie infection,” either type of zombie outbreak will end disastrously for the human race. Casualty estimates in the report state that as many as 95 percent of the entire human population will succumb to zombification or die as a result of zombies.

This report put together by Robert J. Smith, faculty member at the Department of mathematics and faculty of medicine at the University of Ottawa, puts together various equations with different variables to get these results. Coming together, he concludes that unless the initial outbreak of the zombie infection is quarantined and eradicated early, hopes to stop the outbreak will be futile by law enforcement and military engagements.

So what can you do to survive a zombie apocalypse? There are many helpful sites on the internet but no body knows more than zombie expert, Max Brooks. He single-handedly put together the most complete zombie survival guide currently obtainable by those wanting to ready themselves for the oncoming zombie invasion. The book, “The Zombie survival guide: Complete protection from the living undead,” lays out detailed plans for the average citizen to survive zombie uprisings.

“If you take the zombies out of this book, I would still consider it a survival guide to pretty much any natural disaster,” said Brooks.

Divided into six distinct chapters, this book gives the average human being the means to survive a zombie apocalypse by granting them important and useful information of which arguably most important is how to kill a zombie. All zombies can only be killed in two ways both involving the same body part. This can be done either from an object being thrust through the brain or from the entire decapitation of the head from the zombie’s body. Make sure to be cautious of a decapitated zombie however, as leaving the brain undamaged will make it so

To kill a zombie specific weapons should be acquired as not all work the same and have the same effect. In the case of slow moving zombies a blunt object, such as a bat or crowbar, would do fine unless up against a large mod. Fast zombies make close combat extremely dangerous as an ill-timed blow could mean the difference between surviving the encounter and ending up a zombie yourself. So, better than close combat, projectile weapons should be preferred. In his book, Max Brooks prefers the Ak-47 over the unreliable, he deems, M-16 semi-automatic machine gun. That is because unlike the M-16, the AK-47 gun has never jammed in intense battle.

“I’ve actually had gun lobbyists in America complain that I used a gun known to be wielded by communists instead of the M-16. They even went so far as to call me un-American,” Brooks said.

In his book, Brooks does say that silence has its uses and the best way to dispose of zombies silently is either by bow and arrows or using a crossbow. In a later chapter of his book Brooks goes into detail how to fortify a building against the zombie hordes trying to eat your flesh. He also offers practical advice of places to avoid such as hospitals, malls, and churches.

Brooks went on to say in his books that, “places that attract lots of people are going to attract lots of zombies.”

The fourth chapter entitled “On the Run,” discusses the “rules and necessities of traveling through zombie-infested territory.” It also discusses types of terrain and the pros and cons of different types of transportation.

Gas-guzzling cars and trucks should be abandoned for high mileage vehicles such as hybrids and motorcycles. Even the self-powered bicycle has its advantages of stealth and portability even if it doesn’t have the same protection or speed of other vehicles Brooks explains.

Just how likely a zombie outbreak is to occur? No body knows for sure. It could be tomorrow or it could be ten years from now. Even the best advice won’t guarantee that you live through the zombie apocalypse. Either way, following the above would be a good start.

“Organize before they rise!” said Brooks.